Tonight, I nearly backed out of my first Writer's Group meeting.
I've always had a bit of social anxiety when it comes to introducing myself to a small group of people I know I will need to prove myself to.
But now, as an adult with a criminal record, I never feel comfortable. I have this irrational fear they can see right through me and into the record.
And there's maybe a not so irrational fear that I'd be judged by that before anything else, if only they knew.
How can I ever feel comfortable around people again? When there's this constant feeling that I need to keep everyone at a distance so they can't reject me.
By the way,
There was a Indian girl around my age there who was part of the meeting. Gorgeous, with a great smile and cute giggle and provocative writing.
I hope to get to know her better.
Then, at the bus stop.
Another girl and I struck up conversation quite naturally.
Then we sat together on the bus.
I was so fucking shy with her but I could tell there was interest there.
Before she got off at her stop we exchanged names but that was it.
She told me where she worked... a store I frequent but should stay away from for at least a few days, so as not to have it perceived that I am hunting her.
What little bullshit social games us humans play.
Oh well.
Maybe I'll stop in there on Saturday and "just happen" to bump into her. After all, I did tell her I go there a lot.
Anyway.
Her bus stop was only one stop before the shelter.
And the shelter is the end of the line, so she clearly must have known where I was going.
Fucking loser.
Hi. I'm Francois. I live in a homeless shelter by night and telemarket by day and have been arrested more than five times.
Are you free Friday night?
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